Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt, I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial. After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it’s been almost unanimously determined our readers like the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don’t even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades. However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I’ll make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site: 1. Heidi wears a bikini. 2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally. I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you totally zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant. Sincerely, The Superficial Writer. P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT. EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I’m not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

These are shots of supermodel Gisele Bundchen filming a music video for Black Cowboy yesterday. Kevin Connolly from Entourage directed the shoot which took place on Melrose Ave., and I gotta state, I have my concerns. I’m no expert, but this thing seems to be missing several key components for a successful music video: Nudity, robots and Slash playing guitar while driving a tank full of strippers. I mean, sure, you can make a video without these things, but you can also make beer without alcohol. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should - and that’s one to grow on.* *Except for you, Kevin Connolly. You had your chance.

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Apparently, if you want Keira Knightley to take off her clothes and smear herself with apple jelly you have to give her a good reason. (I know, show-biz people—touchy, right?) The Duchess actress took time out from looking hot to reveal her philosophy about nude scenes to Glamour:

GLAMOUR: What about nudity? Are you comfortable doing it in a film? KK: Pretty comfortable. I certainly wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t…. I detest unnecessary nudity and what it states about women in society. GLAMOUR: What do you think it says? KK: I think you see a lot of films where, Oh, yes, the woman gets her tits out again and runs around naked for no reason. And you kind of go, Ugh, do we have to?

Keira probably doesn’t have to worry about pulling her tits out for no reason, since she’s built like a 12-year-old boy and doesn’t have any tits. But she’s right that she shouldn’t strip down unless it’s essential to the plot. Hopefully she’ll warm up to the project currently in development in my head, Keira Knightley Runs Out of Clean Clothes So She Has to Do Her Laundry Naked and the Washing Machine Overflows So She Gets All Wet and Covered in Soap Suds. She should enjoy it, since it’s a period piece, set in a time when she runs out of clean clothes, so she has to do her laundry naked and the washing machine overflows so she gets all wet and covered in soap suds.

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Salma Hayek filmed scenes in Brooklyn yesterday for her upcoming cameo on 30 Rock. Judging by these photos, they’re going to need to debut the episode in fucking IMAX. Even then people will walk out saying “Needs more screen.” Except me; I’ll be using suction cups to begin my ascent of Mt. St. Boobies until the fire department hoses me down. I’m a film lover.

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

You probably haven’t been able to take a leak in the past 24 hours without hearing about Brad Pitt taking a photo of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding that would appear in W Magazine. Well, here it is. For those of you who thought it would be hot, two things: 1. It’s for the cover of a national magazine so the chances of seeing a nipple were zero. (Though I could understand an expectation of side-boob.) 2. Breastfeeding involves babies, Darth Pervert. All that aside, what I found interesting was during the interview Angelina admitted Brad encouraged her to get pregnant when she was content with just adopting. Smooth:

“I think one of the life changing things that he did, one of many, is that I was totally never going to get pregnant. I never felt that it was the right thing to do. Now I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. It taught me a lot about life, just the process of it, and now we’ve three other beautiful children that wouldn’t otherwise be here.”

Wow. So Brad Pitt gets to have sex with one of the hottest women on the planet and what does he do? Turn hers vagina into a gaping baby portal. Jesus. That’s like finally getting a Playstation 3 then shoving a watermelon through it. (I should write analogies for a living.)

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

These are photos of Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown modeling the Ultimo Autumn/Winter lingerie line. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “hot chocolate” doesn’t it? A ha ha ha wait, hold up. I shouldn’t have brought color into this. That was wrong of me, and I apologize. Instead, I should just respect Melanie for who she is: A beautiful woman with ginormous breasts who I’d have sex with until she realizes I’m not Keanu Reeves. See? Much superior. Respect: It’s dope!

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Britney Spears is opening up about the past two years of her life which friends and family refer to as the “batshit sandwich.” During that time she got a divorce, went to rehab, started habitually flashing her cooch, bombed at the VMAs, lost custody of her children and then thought she was Mary Poppin’s younger sister who likes to make amateur porn until someone put her in the psych ward. For a crazy person, you gotta admit she was productive. The AP reports:

“I sit there and I look back and I’m like, ‘I’m a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?’” Spears said in an interview to air on MTV on Nov. 30, two days before the release of her new album. “I’ve been through a lot in the past two or three years, and there’s a lot that people don’t know.”

“I’m a smart person.” Okay, lying is probably not the best way to start a public confessional, but since you didn’t throw feces at anyone, I’m gonna allow it - just this once.

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Hugh Hefner confirmed that Holly Madison is no longer in the market for old man love. Things went south when it was discovered that Hugh couldn’t dad a child at 82. Honestly, I don’t know who saw that coming. (Besides everyone.) E! News reports:

The Playboy mogul states the relationship started to crumble about six months ago when they learned he was unable to father a child with Holly.
“With my sperm count, it’s not possible,” Hefner explained. “I was willing but it wasn’t possible…She’d like to be married and have kids, but it’s not in the cards here for me.”

Hugh also confirmed that Kendra Wilkinson will be gone by the end of the year. But shed not a tear, my friends, the Hugh has back-ups:

In the last week, he’s been spotted with 19-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon. “They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends,” Hefner states.
And they’re not all he has to look forward to.
A college senior from Georgia whom Hefner identifies as Amy Leigh Andrews is also waiting in the wings. “She was testing here this past weekend,” Hef says of the centerfold wannabe, “and she stated she’d like to be a girlfriend, too.”
The 82-year-old Hefner laughed, “I’m dancing as fast as I have the ability to.”

I can’t help but wonder if, deep down, Hugh wanted Holly Madison to leave. Sure, his sperm count is low, but it’s not like he couldn’t have scrounged some up to pass as his own. For God sakes, he lives in the Playboy Mansion! And, frankly, anyone’s swimmers would’ve been preferable to Criss Angel’s. I’m talking Pauly Shore, the kid who plays McLovin’ or even a blood relative of Holly’s. She’d never know the difference. (Provided the vial is wrapped in twenties.)

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Ha ha! Remember Crazy Britney? Good times. Except when it comes to taking the blame which brings us to Lynne Spears who continues to promote her new book Through the Storm: How I Pimped My Kids Then Profited from their Downfall Thanks to Your Buy. Today she stopped by FOX News’ The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet where Lynne convinced nobody but herself that she cashed in on her kids: On Britney and Jamie Lynn’s careers: “People think I was this stage mom, that I was pushing my daughters to do what they did. I was actually their cheerleader. I’ve never been their manager, that’s never been my role. I was the one that got their coffee in the morning and [got them] out of bed.” On Kevin Federline: “I do like Kevin. He has been good to us,” she says. “Kevin could have been a real pill about a lot of things, but he wasn’t. He worked with us and has really tried to make everything good for the boys. He has thought about them through all of this.” On Sarah Palin: “I’m glad she didn’t have to go through as much scrutiny as I did. Nobody wants their kids to have these kinds of hardships or bumps. Who would want that?” Some conspiracy theorists (Read: Me) theorize that Lynne Spears slept with Kevin Federline thus sending Britney into a psychological tail spin. And, is it me, or did Lynne just admit that when she stated “I do like Kevin.”? Everyone knows it’s scientifically impossible to care about something but not have sex with it. Coincidentally, this is also the same excuse I used for why I ruined the turkey during Thanksgiving dinner last year. I anticipate the same response here: SUCCESS!

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Because everyone thought Paris Hilton’s political ad was so effing adorable, she somehow roped Martin Sheen into helping her beat a dead horse then rape its carcass. If The West Wing going off the air didn’t effectively end Martin Sheen’s career, this thing put him out of his misery. EXTRA CREDIT: While I was typing this post, I couldn’t help but think “Wow, Paris Hilton is literally just a diseased labia away from careening into obscurity.” Which is sweet justice considering, up until recently, she was the queen of undeserved celebrity. But now Heidi & Spencer are mugging like trained chimps for that title. So, here’s the question: If you had to choose between the Douche Twins or Paris, which would you rather see fall off the face of the planet while the other remains a “celebrity?” (And you have to select or else something catastrophic will happen like, I dunno, beer no longer tastes delicious.) DISCUSS. Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments