Apparently, there’s much speculation over the say of Jennifer Garner’s uterus. I, on the other hand, forgot she even existed. However, I have the ability to now report a Ben Affleck sperm has indeed collided with her egg. Jennifer’s Alias co-star Victor Garber confirmed the news to Us Magazine proving his ability to keep a secret is pretty fucking weak:

“Yes, she’s,” Garber - who officiated the couple’s 2005 wedding - told Us when asked if current speculation was true that the couple is expecting.
A source adds, “She is five months pregnant. They are very happy.”

Now Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner will have something to do while they’re not acting. Christ, when’s the last time one of them was in a motion picture? Hold on, I just remembered Daredevil. Searing pain…. Want to die…. And, phew! Made it. Yeah, in hindsight, this is AWESOME news. They should shoot for a third one right away. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Adopt! Just scoop some children up from a day care and go all Brad and Angelina. I hear it’s a blast. Ha ha! Please don’t act again.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Rosario Dawson in a bikini holding a garden hose. I can’t think of a better summertime memory. It kind of reminds me of that sweltering August when I opened a “Lemonade and Lap Dance” stand. I was doing pretty well until the cops shut me down. To today I still believe my mom tipped them off after dad came home smelling like Country Time and skeez. Too bad they couldn’t arrest an eight-year-old. But they could send me to military school after giving my Nintendo to orphans while I cried in the back seat of the station wagon. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah, Rosario Dawson is awkwardly hot.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Attention Superficial readers: Audrina Patridge has breasts. No need to thank me. Just doing my job. Oh, wow, the key to the city? If you insist.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are having a girl. The due date is October 31, and Pete’s so stoked he’s actually sewing clothes for the kid, according to an insider for Star:

“When Pete heard he might have his baby on Halloween, he went nuts. For an emo-rocker type like Pete, that would be just too perfect!”
The daddy-to-be is so excited about his daughter’s arrival, he’s even taken up a new hobby — sewing baby clothes!

If I ever had a child, the last thing I’d do is sew it clothes. Unless, of course, you count a burlap sack. Who wants to go to the lake?

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Salma Hayek and French billionaire guy Francois-Henri Pinault have called off their engagement, according to a statement issued to USA Today:

“We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment,” Hayek’s rep said in a statement.

It should be noted, however, that Salma gave birth to Francois-Henri’s child Valentina last September. I believe there’s a technical term for this type of situation. What was it again? Oh, right: CHA-CHING!

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake, the “winner” of Rock of Love 2, have broken up. I guess each rose does have its thorn. And that thorn is made of total manufactured bullshit needed to launch a third season of Bret’s reality show. People reports:

Lake, who recently moved to L.A. from her native Chicago to pursue her career, also made it clear that she totally backs Michaels’s decision to take the show on the road for a third installment. This time it’s called Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels and the women vying for his affection will follow the rocker on a month-long tour across the country.
“Third time’s the charm!” says Lake, who plans to watch the new season and is happy to be a sounding board for Michaels. “I can’t stress enough that I support his decision. He’s going to take it on the road, and that’s where he spends the majority of his life. What a great concept.”

Yes, what a great concept indeed - for Bret Michaels. Has anyone ever seen the show? Here’s the formula to pretty much every episode. And if someone you know actually thinks this shit is real, you owe it to them to push them out of a moving vehicle: -Bret packs a mansion with strippers, single moms and former Playboy Playmates. At least one of these women will look like she’s straight out of a Whitesnake video and/or used to be named Bill. -The gaggle of whores compete in Road Rules-esque challenges that are so asinine Bret doesn’t even pretend to watch them while the show’s filming and, instead, rides his motorcycle around in circles. -Catfights break out. Usually about who really cares about Bret and who’s here to be on Television. (Hint: They’re mostly Shot of Love with Tila Tequila rejects. Except for the one psycho that’s granted on each season to stir things up. She truly does love Bret and, if the producers cross their fingers hard enough, will stab a stripper to prove it.) -Bret goes on a private date. Gets laid in a limo, haystack, or Ed Hardy dressing room. -Bret eliminates a lady (Typically the one he just nailed.) while shedding a well-timed tear or two when really he can’t wait to stop filming so he can bang a hotel room full of groupies from the last county fair he just played. I guess what I’m trying to state is: Jesus walks among us, my friends. And he wears a wig.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Hey, everybody! Sarah Jessica Parker had her mole removed which makes her 1/1,000th less abrasive to look at. Yay!

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Eva Longoria is addressing current pregnancy rumors that kicked into overdrive after her recent bikini pics while vacationing in Italy were released. Turns out she’s allegedly packing on the pounds for the next season of Desperate Housewives which would explain these photos from the set and later that day getting dinner with Tony Parker. OK! Magazine reports:

“For the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives [Eva’s character] Gabrielle has “gained” weight and cut her hair,” says the actress’ rep Liza Anderson. “She is now a worn-out mom with two kids. Eva has enjoyed a more relaxed environment and will even be wearing butt pads and stomach pads.”

Ha ha! Good excuse. I hope they name the kid “El Guapo” - after me. Okay, maybe that’s not really my name, but since everybody’s making shit up, I’d figured I’d get in on the action. Now, if you’ll excuse me, El Guapo needs to play beach volleyball with his shirt off then fly a fighter jet in a perilous mission to save Iceman. Or maybe he’ll just take a nap under his desk. El Guapo is undecided.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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These are the much ballyhooed photos of Sienna Miller hanging out topless in Portofino, Italy with married actor Balthazar Getty of ABC’s Brothers and Sisters. The dude has been denying in the press that he’s involved with Sienna, but just in case, his wife is flying to Italy to sort things out, according to NY Daily News. I hope she likes nipples. NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that, for some reason, make me see Gilligan’s Island in a whole new light.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Khloe Kardashian (Swamp Thing above who should avoid being photographed next to Kourtney) apparently was picked up for DUI last year but managed to keep it out of the press. That’s until she decided not to do any of her community service or enroll in alcohol education classes. Wow, that plan had everything. Khloe’s stupidity has landed her three days in jail starting no later than Friday and, not surprisingly, she couldn’t care less. People reports:

Over the weekend, Kardashian showed no obvious signs of worry about her upcoming jail term, as she attended a party at the Project Beach House in Malibu with her mother and sister Kourtney.
“Khloe actually looked great, really relaxed and having a good time,” states a partygoer at Sunday’s Lia Sophia Clambake. “[She] didn’t look like she had a care in the world and even got a massage.”

All Khloe had to do was pick up some trash along the highway and watch a video about the dangers of drunk driving. Of course, that’d probably be harder than the five minutes she’ll spend in jail. Provided she even makes it that far. Khloe’s sentence was already reduced from 30 days to three days within a matter of hours, so I imagine by tomorrow she’ll get a Bath & Body Works gift basket from the sheriff’s department with a note reading: “You be a good girl now.” If I actually paid my taxes, this is the sort of thing that would cause me to drink - then inevitably drive because, shit, they’re giving out hand soap!

Via [Thesuperficial]

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