Lynne Spears tell-all book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is remarkably jam-packed with action for an evangelical book about parenting. Lynne reveals Britney started knocking back booze at 13 and, with her mom’s help, tricked Justin Timberlake into thinking she was a virgin when really Britney nailed a football player at 14. The ideal part is: Justin fell for it! Oh, man, these Disney children are dumb. Even though, that could just be the drink. NY Daily News has the details: Alcohol!: The pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15. Drugs! By age 16, Britney’s wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims. SEX! She admits she granted her then 16-year-old daughter to sleep with Timberlake, her Mickey Mouse Club co-star, and went along with the hoax that Britney was a virgin. Lynne Spears reveals Timberlake was misled and that Britney lost her virginity to a Kentwood, La., high school football player. I’m starting to think the title of the book should’ve been Through the Storm - of Shit that I Created Because I Have the Parenting Skills of a Lawnmower. I mean, Christ, what was the point of this thing? Other than to surprise us all that Britney hasn’t stripped naked and hijacked a school bus yet. That was the point? Well then, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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It turns out Lynne Spears didn’t send Bristol Palin $60 pink burpcloths on behalf of Jamie Lynn. I don’t see why Lynne bothered denying the report because even a cynical bastard like myself thought it was a nice gesture. Until I remembered I’ve a penis then went around punching everyone within eyesight in the face. TOUGH GUY! E! News reports:

“I just got off the phone with Lynne. I can tell you that she hasn’t sent her any gifts, but that she does support Sarah and, of course, can empathize with their situation,” Curt Handling, Spears’ publicist at the Thomas Nelson publishing company, tells E! News.

It’s a damn shame. No fancy burpcloths for America’s favorite politically-polarizing pregnant teen. I guess Bristol Palin will have to wipe her baby’s spit the old fashioned way: With moose antlers or the hull of an oil tanker. Via [Thesuperficial]

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I can’t even count how many readers have e-mailed me this picture of, what looks like, Governor Sarah Palin in a bikini brandishing a rifle. Grant me to set the record straight because, I shit you not, a ton of folks think this is real. (Smartest country ever!) It’s photoshopped, people. How do I know? Simple: No one is that sexy. Also, the real Sarah Palin would’ve shot the guy behind her for smoking his cigarette like a homosexual. “BANG BANG! Not on my watch, Frenchie!” Via [Thesuperficial]

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Paris Hilton is no longer desperately seeking impregnation. Ho. Ly. Shit! *pops open champagne* WHOOPEEEEE! Hollyscoop reports:

“You know right now I’m just focusing on my business. A lot of traveling around the world. There’s no time for a baby right now.
Paris added, “I would love to one day, but for right now it wouldn’t be right to have a kid because I don’t have the time. My schedule is so crazy, I’m going to London next month for a couple of weeks to do my BFF show in London, so I’ve a lot of work cut out for me.”

You know who you don’t hear saying he wants a baby on the ASAP and we have the ability to thank for this turn of events? Benji Madden. Of course, he’s probably too busy scrubbing his testicles with a Brillo pad, but still.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Okay, maybe David Duchovny cheated on Tea Leoni after all. Apparently, The Duchov has a history of seducing unsuspecting extras. I bet he tells them there’s a government conspiracy in his pants. Now that’s smooth and something I could never pull off. Even if the NSA bugged my testicles - which they did. NY Daily News reports:

But The National Enquirer reports that Duchovny went into rehab because Leoni “finally caught him [cheating].”
He stated Tea gave him an ultimatum: “Get treatment or our marriage is over,” a source told the tab, which is riding high after getting former presidential candidate John Edwards to admit his tomcattin’.
“At first, Duchovny tried to lie his way out of trouble, but eventually was overwhelmed with guilt and confessed,” The Enquirer contends.
US Weekly agrees that Duchovny, 48, “has a history of indiscretions,” according to “multiple sources.” The mag claims he put the moves on an extra on his Showtime hit, “Californication.” “They ended up making out,” alleges a source. “She later heard this wasn’t the first time he’d taken special interest in an extra.”

I’m glad they finally dropped the whole porn addiction angle. Seriously, how can you can be addicted to something you need to survive? That’s like saying “Hey, everybody, I’m addicted to oxygen.” Pfft. Celebrities. What a bunch of weirdos.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Remember when David Spade found out he knocked up a Playboy Bunny? I’m kidding. No one does. But that didn’t stop a baby girl from popping out of Jillian Grace’s vagina making David Spade a first-time daddy and, also, a first-time wage garnishee. People reports:

“David and Jillian have been in close contact throughout her pregnancy and he plans to go see the baby during his first break from shooting Rules of Engagement,” Spade’s rep, Meredith O’Sullivan, tells PEOPLE.

Hopefully, the lesson learned here is that Hugh Hefner really needs someone on hand tying up tubes at the mansion. Guys like David Spade deserve quality customer service that goes above and beyond simply not laughing at their penis. Which, don’t get me wrong, is always appreciated. Or so I hear - from other people. Who aren’t me. I’m hung like a spaceship!

Via [Thesuperficial]

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In the biggest display of FTWism ever, Pamela Anderson and Michael Jackson have been secretly dating, according to the UK Mirror. The two met up in Malibu and apparently hit it off proving my theory that Pamela would hump a toaster oven if it had a hedge fund:

They were very chatty. Pamela was being her usual flirty self and Michael seemed to be responding. They are such a strange couple but they seemed to really hit it off.”
So much so Michael plucked up the courage to ask Pammy out on a second date. And she was more than happy to accept.
We’re told: “They went for a coffee at Country Mart in Malibu and looked very comfortable with each other. They chatted about Michael turning 50, his new album, their children. And he seemed genuinely interested in Pamela.”

Dating? I don’t think so. In fact, it’s pretty obvious what’s happening here: Michael Jackson wants implants. Kids love balloons!

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Lily Allen and Elton John presented the GQ Men of the Year Awards last night in London. Things got out of hand when Lily kept downing champagne like it was the antidote which pissed off Elton John and ended in the two exchanging words on-stage over who could snort the most coke. The Daily Mail reports:

When she came to announce ‘…and now the most important part of the night’, Elton chipped in ‘What? Are you going to have another drink?’
She fired back: ‘F*** off Elton. I’m 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!’
The shocked audience fell silent.
A clearly rattled Elton replied ‘I could still snort you under the table’. To which she replied: ‘F*** off. I don’t know what you are speaking about.’
On more than one occasion, Elton could be seen having a stern word with her in the wings between awards. She barely made it off the stage after the awards ended - before drinking even more at the afterparty.

Folks, we’ve got ourselves a Snort Off. Okay, first one to OD and die, wins. Ready… GO!

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Jessica Simpson gave another shitass performance in her continuing effort to crossover to country which must be frustrating. I mean, she’s proven she’s illiterate and joined the Klan. What more do these people want?! Anyway, here’s the highlights of her Wednesday night concert at the Avalon Ballroom where Jessica gave long-winded intros to every song forcing The Niagara Falls Review to comment “It might be unfair calling Jessica Simpson’s show at the Avalon Ballroom Wednesday a train wreck. At some point, a train knows where it’s going.”: On how her man must be ready for anything that comes out of her uterus: Before the new song “Man Enough,” she said her man must be ready for anything - including the possibility she’s pregnant with an alien. On Nick Lachey: Ex-hubby Nick Lachey gets grilled in the bitter “When I Loved You Like That,” where our girl basically states she carried his cheatin’ ass all those years. On the smell of her farts; I’m not kidding: “I do pass gas a lot,” she stated. “I guarantee it smells like roses.” A public admission that your ass doesn’t stink despite chronic flatulence. Now that’s classy. I bet you an old man in a top hat put a monocle up to his eye and stated “Jolly good show!” That’s how classy it was. Bravo!

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Britney Spears hit up Vegas over the holiday weekend and, Jesus, she looks surprisingly awesome. I guess being deemed mentally unstable really does shed the pounds. Who knew? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to explain to my confused penis it’s not 2001 again. At ease, soldier!

Via [Thesuperficial]

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