Britney Spears is opening up about the past two years of her life which friends and family refer to as the “batshit sandwich.” During that time she got a divorce, went to rehab, started habitually flashing her cooch, bombed at the VMAs, lost custody of her children and then thought she was Mary Poppin’s younger sister who likes to make amateur porn until someone put her in the psych ward. For a crazy person, you gotta admit she was productive. The AP reports:

“I sit there and I look back and I’m like, ‘I’m a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?’” Spears said in an interview to air on MTV on Nov. 30, two days before the release of her new album. “I’ve been through a lot in the past two or three years, and there’s a lot that people don’t know.”

“I’m a smart person.” Okay, lying is probably not the best way to start a public confessional, but since you didn’t throw feces at anyone, I’m gonna allow it - just this once.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Hugh Hefner confirmed that Holly Madison is no longer in the market for old man love. Things went south when it was discovered that Hugh couldn’t dad a child at 82. Honestly, I don’t know who saw that coming. (Besides everyone.) E! News reports:

The Playboy mogul states the relationship started to crumble about six months ago when they learned he was unable to father a child with Holly.
“With my sperm count, it’s not possible,” Hefner explained. “I was willing but it wasn’t possible…She’d like to be married and have kids, but it’s not in the cards here for me.”

Hugh also confirmed that Kendra Wilkinson will be gone by the end of the year. But shed not a tear, my friends, the Hugh has back-ups:

In the last week, he’s been spotted with 19-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon. “They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends,” Hefner states.
And they’re not all he has to look forward to.
A college senior from Georgia whom Hefner identifies as Amy Leigh Andrews is also waiting in the wings. “She was testing here this past weekend,” Hef says of the centerfold wannabe, “and she stated she’d like to be a girlfriend, too.”
The 82-year-old Hefner laughed, “I’m dancing as fast as I have the ability to.”

I can’t help but wonder if, deep down, Hugh wanted Holly Madison to leave. Sure, his sperm count is low, but it’s not like he couldn’t have scrounged some up to pass as his own. For God sakes, he lives in the Playboy Mansion! And, frankly, anyone’s swimmers would’ve been preferable to Criss Angel’s. I’m talking Pauly Shore, the kid who plays McLovin’ or even a blood relative of Holly’s. She’d never know the difference. (Provided the vial is wrapped in twenties.)

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Ha ha! Remember Crazy Britney? Good times. Except when it comes to taking the blame which brings us to Lynne Spears who continues to promote her new book Through the Storm: How I Pimped My Kids Then Profited from their Downfall Thanks to Your Buy. Today she stopped by FOX News’ The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet where Lynne convinced nobody but herself that she cashed in on her kids: On Britney and Jamie Lynn’s careers: “People think I was this stage mom, that I was pushing my daughters to do what they did. I was actually their cheerleader. I’ve never been their manager, that’s never been my role. I was the one that got their coffee in the morning and [got them] out of bed.” On Kevin Federline: “I do like Kevin. He has been good to us,” she says. “Kevin could have been a real pill about a lot of things, but he wasn’t. He worked with us and has really tried to make everything good for the boys. He has thought about them through all of this.” On Sarah Palin: “I’m glad she didn’t have to go through as much scrutiny as I did. Nobody wants their kids to have these kinds of hardships or bumps. Who would want that?” Some conspiracy theorists (Read: Me) theorize that Lynne Spears slept with Kevin Federline thus sending Britney into a psychological tail spin. And, is it me, or did Lynne just admit that when she stated “I do like Kevin.”? Everyone knows it’s scientifically impossible to care about something but not have sex with it. Coincidentally, this is also the same excuse I used for why I ruined the turkey during Thanksgiving dinner last year. I anticipate the same response here: SUCCESS!

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Because everyone thought Paris Hilton’s political ad was so effing adorable, she somehow roped Martin Sheen into helping her beat a dead horse then rape its carcass. If The West Wing going off the air didn’t effectively end Martin Sheen’s career, this thing put him out of his misery. EXTRA CREDIT: While I was typing this post, I couldn’t help but think “Wow, Paris Hilton is literally just a diseased labia away from careening into obscurity.” Which is sweet justice considering, up until recently, she was the queen of undeserved celebrity. But now Heidi & Spencer are mugging like trained chimps for that title. So, here’s the question: If you had to choose between the Douche Twins or Paris, which would you rather see fall off the face of the planet while the other remains a “celebrity?” (And you have to select or else something catastrophic will happen like, I dunno, beer no longer tastes delicious.) DISCUSS. Via [Thesuperficial]

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Halle Berry is Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive, 2008. Check out her pictorial by photographer Cliff Watts which sort of makes me regret pummeling print journalism with an iron fist. Well, that, and it’s not like I have the ability to take my laptop in the can. Or maybe… UPDATE: Two laptops and a case of pink eye later, I have the ability to safely conclude magazines still serve a vital function in society. You may now call me “Savior,” field of journalism.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have reunited after getting chased out of their respective villages with torches, People reports:

“They’re taking it slow,” says a source. “They’re on the road back to being together again.”
The comedians, who ended their five-year relationship in July, have recently been spotted on dates on both coasts.

So, to paraphrase: Two people started having really hairy sex again.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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David Duchovny is out of rehab for sex addiction after he checked himself for allegedly cheating on Tea Leoni. People reports:

David Duchovny has checked out of a rehabilitation center for sex addiction, according to his lawyer, Stanton “Larry” Stein.
“David is out of rehab and about to begin a new motion picture,” Stein tells PEOPLE. “He successfully completed his treatment.”

Why am I starting to regret sending David a congratulatory erotic cake? Oh, crap, it just hit me: I forgot to send a card with it. That’s just ignorant. Seriously, I’m humiliated.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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Jodie Marsh continued her silicon-fueled rampage through the English celebrity scene by attending soccer player Jermaine Defoe’s birthday celebration Sunday night. Wait, I didn’t know she did birthdays. She’d go perfect with my whiskey out of a brown bag at the strip club theme. Now, if only I could find Jodie in the Yellow Pages. Hmm… here we go: Right underneath “F” for “Funbags the Clown.” NOTE: Third photo links to NSFW version that could be considered hot - if you’re oddly aroused by Frankenstein.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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David Spade, who somehow dated Heather Locklear in 2006 (Damn his hobbit magic!), texted her shortly after her recent DUI arrest to lend his support, according to People:

“I think things get blown out a lot of proportion,” stated Spade. “She’s always solid and always a great person. And I think people understand she’s in a tough situation and she does her ideal.”

That’s nice. Because right after you get arrested for DUI you want to be reminded you dated David Spade. Jesus, while you’re at it, you might as well call her fat then insult her cooking.

Via [Thesuperficial]

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In an unexpected Friday surprise, I got a hold of some Beyonce Knowles bikini pics. I gotta admit though, they’re a tad anticlimactic considering she usually errs on the side of smokin’ hot. It’s like unwrapping a Wii on Christmas morning, but inside the box isn’t Beyonce’s butt. Curse you, Claus!

Via [Thesuperficial]

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