Paris Hilton is no longer desperately seeking impregnation. Ho. Ly. Shit! *pops open champagne* WHOOPEEEEE! Hollyscoop reports:

“You know right now I’m just focusing on my business. A lot of traveling around the world. There’s no time for a baby right now.
Paris added, “I would love to one day, but for right now it wouldn’t be right to have a kid because I don’t have the time. My schedule is so crazy, I’m going to London next month for a couple of weeks to do my BFF show in London, so I’ve a lot of work cut out for me.”

You know who you don’t hear saying he wants a baby on the ASAP and we have the ability to thank for this turn of events? Benji Madden. Of course, he’s probably too busy scrubbing his testicles with a Brillo pad, but still.

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Okay, maybe David Duchovny cheated on Tea Leoni after all. Apparently, The Duchov has a history of seducing unsuspecting extras. I bet he tells them there’s a government conspiracy in his pants. Now that’s smooth and something I could never pull off. Even if the NSA bugged my testicles - which they did. NY Daily News reports:

But The National Enquirer reports that Duchovny went into rehab because Leoni “finally caught him [cheating].”
He stated Tea gave him an ultimatum: “Get treatment or our marriage is over,” a source told the tab, which is riding high after getting former presidential candidate John Edwards to admit his tomcattin’.
“At first, Duchovny tried to lie his way out of trouble, but eventually was overwhelmed with guilt and confessed,” The Enquirer contends.
US Weekly agrees that Duchovny, 48, “has a history of indiscretions,” according to “multiple sources.” The mag claims he put the moves on an extra on his Showtime hit, “Californication.” “They ended up making out,” alleges a source. “She later heard this wasn’t the first time he’d taken special interest in an extra.”

I’m glad they finally dropped the whole porn addiction angle. Seriously, how can you can be addicted to something you need to survive? That’s like saying “Hey, everybody, I’m addicted to oxygen.” Pfft. Celebrities. What a bunch of weirdos.

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Remember when David Spade found out he knocked up a Playboy Bunny? I’m kidding. No one does. But that didn’t stop a baby girl from popping out of Jillian Grace’s vagina making David Spade a first-time daddy and, also, a first-time wage garnishee. People reports:

“David and Jillian have been in close contact throughout her pregnancy and he plans to go see the baby during his first break from shooting Rules of Engagement,” Spade’s rep, Meredith O’Sullivan, tells PEOPLE.

Hopefully, the lesson learned here is that Hugh Hefner really needs someone on hand tying up tubes at the mansion. Guys like David Spade deserve quality customer service that goes above and beyond simply not laughing at their penis. Which, don’t get me wrong, is always appreciated. Or so I hear - from other people. Who aren’t me. I’m hung like a spaceship!

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

In the biggest display of FTWism ever, Pamela Anderson and Michael Jackson have been secretly dating, according to the UK Mirror. The two met up in Malibu and apparently hit it off proving my theory that Pamela would hump a toaster oven if it had a hedge fund:

They were very chatty. Pamela was being her usual flirty self and Michael seemed to be responding. They are such a strange couple but they seemed to really hit it off.”
So much so Michael plucked up the courage to ask Pammy out on a second date. And she was more than happy to accept.
We’re told: “They went for a coffee at Country Mart in Malibu and looked very comfortable with each other. They chatted about Michael turning 50, his new album, their children. And he seemed genuinely interested in Pamela.”

Dating? I don’t think so. In fact, it’s pretty obvious what’s happening here: Michael Jackson wants implants. Kids love balloons!

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Lily Allen and Elton John presented the GQ Men of the Year Awards last night in London. Things got out of hand when Lily kept downing champagne like it was the antidote which pissed off Elton John and ended in the two exchanging words on-stage over who could snort the most coke. The Daily Mail reports:

When she came to announce ‘…and now the most important part of the night’, Elton chipped in ‘What? Are you going to have another drink?’
She fired back: ‘F*** off Elton. I’m 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!’
The shocked audience fell silent.
A clearly rattled Elton replied ‘I could still snort you under the table’. To which she replied: ‘F*** off. I don’t know what you are speaking about.’
On more than one occasion, Elton could be seen having a stern word with her in the wings between awards. She barely made it off the stage after the awards ended - before drinking even more at the afterparty.

Folks, we’ve got ourselves a Snort Off. Okay, first one to OD and die, wins. Ready… GO!

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Jessica Simpson gave another shitass performance in her continuing effort to crossover to country which must be frustrating. I mean, she’s proven she’s illiterate and joined the Klan. What more do these people want?! Anyway, here’s the highlights of her Wednesday night concert at the Avalon Ballroom where Jessica gave long-winded intros to every song forcing The Niagara Falls Review to comment “It might be unfair calling Jessica Simpson’s show at the Avalon Ballroom Wednesday a train wreck. At some point, a train knows where it’s going.”: On how her man must be ready for anything that comes out of her uterus: Before the new song “Man Enough,” she said her man must be ready for anything - including the possibility she’s pregnant with an alien. On Nick Lachey: Ex-hubby Nick Lachey gets grilled in the bitter “When I Loved You Like That,” where our girl basically states she carried his cheatin’ ass all those years. On the smell of her farts; I’m not kidding: “I do pass gas a lot,” she stated. “I guarantee it smells like roses.” A public admission that your ass doesn’t stink despite chronic flatulence. Now that’s classy. I bet you an old man in a top hat put a monocle up to his eye and stated “Jolly good show!” That’s how classy it was. Bravo!

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Britney Spears hit up Vegas over the holiday weekend and, Jesus, she looks surprisingly awesome. I guess being deemed mentally unstable really does shed the pounds. Who knew? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to explain to my confused penis it’s not 2001 again. At ease, soldier!

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Kim Kardashian is training hard for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars and is prepared to reveal more and more of her infamous butt as the show progresses. There’s nothing like using a woman’s astronomically large ass that once starred in a porno as a source of family entertainment. God bless you, ABC! People reports:

“I’m hoping that it’ll firm it up and shape it up,” she said during a launch celebration for the Pink Blackberry Curve at L.A. boutique Intermix. “Everyone is asking if I’m worried it’s going to go away. No, it’s going to tone it up. I have the ability to use that.”
So, will she flaunt what she’s got in sexy and slinky ballroom costumes? Kardashian stated she anticipates to show off more than a tiny skin as the competition moves forward.

Despite the prospect of some Kim ass I still won’t watch. Mainly because I did the math and it’ll take at least 100 episodes before we see some crack. You can’t fight the numbers, folks. NOTE: Your eyes are not deceiving you: these are shots of Kim leaving a hair removal center - and, damn, not a moment too soon. Here’s what she looked like prior to treatment. Mamma mia!

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

As I’ve often stated for many years, “It doesn’t get more American than ogling a British lingerie model (Katie Downes) walking the streets of ole’ London town.” Cohesion: It’s what for dinner I started drinking at noon. SHAZAM! Happy Labor Day Weekend, everybody! See you jokers on Tuesday.

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments

Axl Rose reportedly came on strong to Kelly Osbourne at a party. Designer Richie Rich watched the whole thing go down and couldn’t believe the crap coming out of the 46-year-old singer’s mouth, according to OK! Magazine:

“He was really weird with her,” stated the Heatherette fashionista at a celebration for the launch of the new Tide and Downy Total Care washing liquid. “He kept leering at her and saying, “I want to f*** you!”

“I want to fuck you.” Axl Rose, everybody. World class Casanova - if it were 1985.

Via [Thesuperficial]

Share This

Share This

• 0 Comments